Piglet's going to give us all a song...

"Let's find a Way
Today
That can take us to tomorrow--
Follow that Way,
A Way like flowing water.

Let's leave
Behind
The things that do not matter,
And turn
Our lives
To a more important chapter..."

I've found myself thinking lately about the things that matter, and about the things that don't.  I tend to do that from time to time.  The more I've explored new and challenging activities over these last several months, the more I find I'm enjoying what I'm doing.

After the seriously awesome Aikido Bokken class ended, I decided to check out the dojo that provided the instructors for our class.  I was a little nervous about actually attending one of their regular classes, though.  I wasn't sure I was ready for it, and wondered about the falls and throws, and whether I would be able to manage it.  Since I'm still plugging away and losing weight, I'm still at a point where I catch myself thinking that somehow, I'm too heavy to even think about trying some of this stuff.  Despite all that, I went ahead and showed up for the regular Wednesday night class.

When I arrived, I was introduced to the other students by Mark, who led much of the Bokken class.  He told me he wanted to show me a couple of things before class, which would help me to follow along and participate.  Part of that was the need to learn the open-hand versions of the stances and things I'd worked on in the Bokken class.  The other thing?  "I'm going to teach you how to fall backward."  Gulp.  I nodded and said okay, and thought, "Man, here comes where I look like a goofball."  I had a mental image of myself somehow falling and ending up like a turtle on its shell, limbs waving futilely, trying to get back up.  But I watched Mark, then he talked me through it, and I gave it a go.  And I didn't die, or hurt myself, or end up stuck on my back all night.  I got right back up and did it again.

Class was exhilarating for me.  It was challenging, since most of the people present were advanced practitioners, and I'm a total noob, but honestly... what a nice bunch.  They all helped me through the exercises, and were gracious and kind and very encouraging.  I learned a lot, and had a delightful time practicing blocking and throwing them, but man... when it was my turn to be thrown and fall backward, it was amazing.  I found that I actually really enjoyed that.  There was something incredibly freeing in just letting go, and knowing that falling was not only NOT a bad thing, but that sometimes, it's the best thing you can do.  Sometimes, it's exactly what you need to do.  Nobody was watching me fall and rolling their eyes at me, or making asinine remarks.  Every one of us was falling, getting up, and going for it again and again.  There was something very profound in all of it, though I was too present in the moment to spare a thought while we were practicing.

After class, I admitted I'd been nervous and uncertain as to whether this was the right class for me, or if maybe I should have checked out the "low impact" Aikido class they offer another night of the week.  Mark shook his head and told me no, this is where I belong.  I can do this.  And you know what?  I think he's right.  Something in me just clicked, and I feel like I need to keep going, and challenging myself. 

On my drive home from the dojo, as I thought about the class, and everything I'd learned, I had a moment of realizing exactly how important that acceptance of falling can be, not just in Aikido, but in life.  Almost three years ago, I held my mother's hand and watched her die, and then I went through a difficult divorce, and both my cats died (all of this happened within a span of about a year).  And through much of what happened in that year, I fought, and resisted, and agonized, even when it was futile.  I know I'm not alone in struggling with the need to be in control, and the difficulty of just letting go and "falling" sometimes.  But that night, after Aikido, as I thought about everything, and thought about how exhilarating it had felt to fall, and get right back up, and get back in line to fall again, I felt a sense of peace wash over me.    I feel as though there is so much for me to learn here. 

I have a very busy couple of weeks, with CONvergence and my dad's birthday party planning, but then my schedule should settle back into something resembling normalcy, and I'll be back at the dojo, ready to dig in and see what awaits me there. 

"...Let's take the time,
Let's try to find
What real life has to offer.
And maybe then
We'll find again
What we had long forgotten.
Like a friend,
True 'til the end,
It will help us onward.

The sun is high,
The road is wide,
And it starts where we are standing.
No one knows
How far it goes,
For the road is never-ending."-- Benjamin Hoff, The Te of Piglet

(As an aside, you may have noticed I've been revisiting The Tao of Pooh and The Te of Piglet of late.  Delightful books.  Really charming ways of explaining what I think of as some fairly universal concepts... concepts that have been useful in my life in the last several years.)